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Saturday, March 04, 2006

Weekend Jokes

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He

shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on

the other side of a fence.


As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer

drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this

field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are

not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial

attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me

get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said," Apparently, you don't

know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small

disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule? The

Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my

land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three

times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest

and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He

agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of

his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and

dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff

sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The

lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his

rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to

get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket,

he said, "Okay, now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can

have the duck."

__________________________________________________________________


Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

___________________________________________________________________


A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left-wing liberal drunk.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.

____________________________________________________________________


A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott,
AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy
with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of
chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at
it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If
you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the
young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says,
"Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the
bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with
delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices
a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and
he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I
got, too."

___________________________________________________________________


Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my pneumatic nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate. When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.

__________________________________________________________________

On a tour of Alaska, the Pope went to the mountains for some sight seeing.
He was cruising along when suddenly there was a frantic commotion just at
the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat environmentalist, wearing a"
Save the Whales" T-shirt was struggling frantically, trying to free himself
from the jaws of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group
of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into
the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding
semiconscious Democrat from the bear. Then, the three loggers threw the
bear onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the
injured Democrat in the back seat.

The Pope said to the loggers, "I give you my
blessing for your brave actions! I heard there was a bitter hatred between
loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes
that
love overcomes differences."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers said, "That was the Pope. He has
access to all God's wisdom."

Another logger said, "He may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure
doesn't know anything about bear hunting..... By the way, is the bait
holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?"

___________________________________________________________________


Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York.

___________________________________________________________________


A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, Thank you
Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food
stamps, free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says "You are
mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America !" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work!"

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